Let’s get one thing straight: Congress is supposed to serve us, the people, not their own goddamn bank accounts. But for decades, these glorified middle managers have been playing the stock market like Wall Street wannabes while writing laws that directly affect those markets. It’s corrupt, unfair, and honestly one of the biggest middle fingers to everyday Americans. So how the hell did we get here? Let’s dig into the history, the scandals, and why this shit needs to stop.

Insider trading is as old as capitalism itself. Back in the 1800s and early 1900s, it wasn’t just legal—it was practically a fucking sport. Railroad tycoons, oil barons, and yes, even politicians traded on insider knowledge without anyone batting an eye. Nobody thought to regulate it because the rich made the rules, and everyone else was too busy being poor.

The Securities Exchange Act of 1934 was supposed to fix that. After the Great Depression made it clear that Wall Street was basically a den of thieves, Congress stepped in to regulate the stock market and ban insider trading. But surprise, surprise—they didn’t include themselves. These fuckers made sure they could still trade stocks like degenerate gamblers while claiming to clean up the system.

For decades, Congress kept doing their thing, profiting off insider knowledge while pretending they were too busy saving democracy to notice how rich they were getting. It wasn’t until the 2000s that people started asking, “Wait, why the hell are these assholes allowed to do this?”

By the early 2000s, the stock market was more volatile than a caffeinated squirrel. Congress had more access to insider information than ever, thanks to classified briefings, lobbyists, and their own fucking jobs. And boy, did they cash in.

Remember the 2008 crash? Millions of Americans lost their homes, jobs, and retirement savings. Meanwhile, some members of Congress were dumping stocks faster than rats fleeing a sinking ship. Why? Because they had insider knowledge about the collapse. They sat in private meetings, heard the bad news coming, and quietly sold off their shares while telling the rest of us, “Everything’s fine! Don’t panic!”

Then came the game-changer: a scathing “60 Minutes” exposé in 2011. This report revealed that members of Congress were regularly trading stocks based on non-public information. Pharma companies, tech firms, defense contractors—you name it, Congress had a piece of the pie. The public was understandably pissed, and the heat was on.

In 2012, Congress passed the STOCK Act (Stop Trading on Congressional Knowledge), which was supposed to stop this bulls***. Here’s what it did:

Sounds good on paper, right? Well, like most things Congress does, it was a fucking joke.

The STOCK Act didn’t ban stock trading outright. Instead, it just asked members to play nice and report their trades. And enforcement? Don’t make me laugh. Violators usually get a slap on the wrist, if that.

Worse, in 2013, Congress quietly gutted the STOCK Act by removing the online database of stock trades. Because god forbid we make it too easy to hold these assholes accountable.

Let’s talk about the real-life villains of this story. While technically “legal,” the way some members of Congress have profited off their positions is sketchy as fuck. Here are some of the biggest offenders:

We already mentioned Burr’s 2008 shenanigans, but he was back at it in 2020. After a classified COVID briefing, Burr sold off hundreds of thousands of dollars in stocks. Meanwhile, he told the public COVID wasn’t a big deal. What a dick.

These two senators dumped stocks in early 2020 after private COVID briefings. Loeffler also bought shares in companies that would profit from the pandemic, like teleconferencing and medical supply companies. Meanwhile, they both told their constituents everything was peachy. Scumbags.

If you or I pulled half the shit Congress does, we’d be in jail faster than you can say “insider trading.” But somehow, these assholes keep getting away with it. Here’s why it’s total bullshit:

1. They Have Access to Insider Information

Congress members sit in classified briefings and talk to CEOs. They literally have access to information that can move markets. Regular people like us? We’re stuck guessing based on public news.

2. There’s Zero Accountability

The STOCK Act is a joke. Most violations result in a fine that’s less than a fucking parking ticket. Nobody loses their job, nobody goes to jail, and nothing changes.

3. Massive Conflicts of Interest

How the hell can you trust someone to regulate Big Pharma when they own stock in Pfizer? Or to write laws about tech when they’re making bank off Google shares? You can’t. It’s a fucking scam.

By the Numbers: Congress Is Laughing All the Way to the Bank

A 2021 study by Business Insider found that at least 55 members of Congress violated the STOCK Act by failing to disclose trades on time. And that’s just the ones who got caught. Here are a few highlights:

Meanwhile, the average net worth of a member of Congress keeps climbing, while the average American struggles to pay fucking rent.

If we’re serious about cleaning up this shitshow, here’s what needs to happen:

1. Ban Stock Trading for Congress

Members of Congress should be banned from trading individual stocks, period. They can invest in blind trusts or index funds like the rest of us poor bastards.

2. Enforce Real Consequences

Violating the STOCK Act should come with real punishments, like massive fines, jail time, or even expulsion from Congress. Enough with the slap-on-the-wrist bullshit.

3. Make Disclosures More Transparent

Rebuild the online database and make it easy as hell for the public to see who’s trading what. Sunlight is the best disinfectant.

4. Pressure the AssFucks

Call your reps, raise hell on social media, and vote out the grifters. They hate bad PR more than anything.

Congress isn’t supposed to be a fucking get-rich-quick scheme. These people are supposed to work for us, not their stock portfolios. Allowing them to trade stocks while writing laws is like letting a fox guard the henhouse—except this fox is driving a luxury car and laughing all the way to the bank.

It’s time we demanded better. Because if we don’t, they’ll keep screwing us over while pretending they’re saving democracy. And frankly, we’ve had enough of this shit.

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