The markets rejoiced as the Dow Jones Industrial Average surged a staggering 3,000 points after Donny McStinker announced his so-called "brilliant" tariff strategy: a 90-day pause on new tariffs for most of the world, while cranking China's rates up to an unprecedented 125%. But don't be fooled by the stock market's temporary euphoria—this economic sleight of hand reeks of desperation, stupidity, and the same old failed policies that have consistently screwed American consumers.

Let's cut through the bullshit. Donny McCrapface stands at his golden podium, chest puffed out like a constipated peacock, declaring victory as if he's just solved world hunger. But what has he actually done? He's paused tariffs he himself implemented—tariffs that were choking American businesses and driving up costs for everyday consumers. That's like punching someone in the face repeatedly, then expecting a thank you when you decide to stop for a minute and a half.

The markets jumped because they're responding to the temporary relief of not being beaten further, not because this is sound economic policy. It's economic Stockholm syndrome, and Wall Street is the hostage celebrating when their captor offers them a sip of water.

While one hand "generously" pauses new tariffs, the other slaps a monstrous 125% tariff on Chinese goods. Donald Turdbottom justifies this by claiming China has shown a "lack of respect" to world markets. Rich coming from the guy who treats the global economy like his personal casino.

This move isn't strategic—it's vindictive. And vindictive economic policy is about as effective as trying to put out a house fire with gasoline.

The bitter truth that Turdly Trump and his cheerleaders don't want to acknowledge: when you tax Chinese imports at 125%, you're not punishing China—you're punishing American consumers who'll pay those increased costs. It's Economics 101, a class Trump clearly skipped while he was busy inheriting daddy's fortune.

History doesn't just suggest tariff wars fail—it screams it through a fucking megaphone. Let's take a walk down memory lane:

The Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act of 1930 helped transform an ordinary recession into the Great Depression. It triggered a cascade of retaliatory tariffs from our trading partners, causing U.S. exports to plummet by nearly 67%.

In 2002, when Bush imposed steel tariffs, it cost more American jobs than it saved. According to a Trade Partnership Worldwide study, those tariffs resulted in 200,000 American job losses—more than the total number of people employed in the U.S. steel industry at the time.

And Trump's own first-term tariff war with China? A 2019 Federal Reserve study estimated it cost 300,000 American jobs and a 0.3% decline in real GDP growth. Meanwhile, U.S. consumers and businesses paid over $80 billion in additional costs.

But hey, why learn from history when you can repeat it and claim you've invented something new?

While Donaldo McDumpTrump struts around claiming he's saving American jobs, small businesses across the country are sweating bullets. Consider this: nearly every consumer good with components from China—from electronics to appliances to clothing—is about to get significantly more expensive.

A 125% tariff doesn't disappear into the ether—it gets passed down the supply chain until it reaches your wallet. That iPhone? More expensive. Your kid's toys? Pricier. The medication you need? Hope you've been saving up.

Meanwhile, China isn't sitting on its hands. They've already announced retaliatory measures targeting American agricultural exports—soybean farmers are about to get fucked over again. But I'm sure they'll appreciate the "MAGA" hat as consolation when they're filing for bankruptcy.

The 3,000-point Dow Jones surge following this announcement showcases the disconnect between Wall Street and Main Street. The market isn't celebrating because this is good long-term economic policy—it's celebrating short-term relief and the prospect of increased corporate profits from price hikes.

When tariffs go up, companies don't typically absorb those costs—they pass them to consumers while maintaining their profit margins. So while stock prices soar, your purchasing power plummets. That's the dirty secret behind the market celebration.

According to Professor Eswar Prasad of Cornell University, "The market surge reflects short-term relief, not an endorsement of the policy's soundness. In fact, historical data suggests these tariff spikes typically lead to market corrections within 6-8 months as the economic damage becomes apparent."

What's missing from Donny Turdman's grand tariff announcement? Just a few minor details like:

It's like he's announcing a road trip without mentioning the destination, route, or how much gas is in the tank. But hey, the car looks shiny, so everyone hop in!