You might love him. You might hate him. Hell, you might throw a shoe at your TV every time his face pops up. But let’s get one thing straight: when Donald Trump steps up to a podium, it’s always going to be something. In his first major news conference since becoming President-elect (again), Trump unloaded on everything from the polio vaccine to TikTok, drone sightings, and even pardoning New York Mayor Eric Adams.

Buckle up, folks—this one is one fucked up ride.

For everyone freaking out that Trump’s new administration might cancel polio vaccine approval—breathe. Trump was quick to say, “You’re not going to lose the polio vaccine. It’s not going to happen.” Well, thank fuck for that. The drama started because Trump’s pick for Secretary of Health and Human Services, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., has a history of flirting with anti-vaccine rhetoric. Kennedy’s camp reportedly petitioned the FDA to revoke polio vaccine approval, so naturally, people lost their shit.

But Trump, ever the showman, played it cool. He called himself a “big believer” in the polio vaccine while doubling down on Kennedy. In classic Trump fashion, he said everything needs to be “looked at” and tossed Kennedy the task of investigating the rise in autism rates. That’s a whole can of worms, but Trump’s take was simple: “He’s a very rational guy.” So, the polio vaccine isn’t going anywhere—at least for now. if you believe that. Im not sure I do.

If you live in the Northeast and thought you saw a weird drone buzzing your neighborhood recently, you’re not alone. But here’s where it gets juicy: Trump accused the Biden administration of playing coy. “Our military knows where they took off from,” Trump said. “If it’s a garage, they can go right into that garage. They know where it came from and where it went.” His argument? The government’s not being straight with the public. Something fishy is going on, and for whatever reason, Biden’s crew isn’t talking about it. Whether you think it’s foreign tech, hobbyist drones gone wild, or little green men is up to you—but Trump clearly thinks the silence is bullshit.

This one raised a lot of eyebrows. Trump floated the idea of pardoning New York City Mayor Eric Adams, who’s tangled up in federal corruption charges. Now, the accusations say Adams accepted illegal foreign-funded travel. Trump, of course, brushed it off, comparing it to getting a “free flight upgrade.” Because, you know, we’ve all been bumped to business class before. But here’s where Trump went full conspiracy mode: he suggested the charges were politically motivated. Adams has been loudly critical of Biden’s handling of immigration and even called the situation “unsustainable.” In Trump’s words, “I predicted he’d be indicted when he went against the migrants coming in.” Adams, for the record, has denied any wrongdoing. Whether Trump’s pardon suggestion was serious or just a headline grab is anyone’s guess, but it’s clear he thinks the mayor got shafted.

When it comes to Ukraine and Russia, Trump did what Trump does best: he promised to fix it. “Both leaders should be prepared to make a deal,” he said, referencing his familiarity with Ukrainian President Zelensky and Russian President Putin. Trump didn’t outline exactly what that deal might look like (would Ukraine be forced to give up territory? Who knows?), but he painted a grim picture of the war’s devastation. “There’s not a building standing,” Trump said. “It’s just rubble.” His bottom line? He wants to “stop that horrible, horrible war.” Whether you believe he could pull it off is a different question, but hey—it’s Trump, and peace deals make for damn good headlines.

Trump revealed he’s been schmoozing with tech giants, including Amazon’s Jeff Bezos, Meta’s Mark Zuckerberg, and Apple’s Tim Cook. Bezos, by the way, is dropping a cool $1 million to fund Trump’s inauguration—nothing like a donation to smooth out old grudges, huh? Trump framed the meetings as productive, saying tech leaders are eager to get on his good side ahead of his return to the White House. If there’s one thing these CEOs know, it’s how to hedge their bets.

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Trump claimed he’s been on the phone with representatives from over 100 countries since winning the election. And here’s the kicker: he’s personally invited some of them to his inauguration, including Chinese President Xi Jinping. “Every one of them called and was very nice,” Trump said. Xi isn’t attending personally (he’s sending a senior delegation instead), but it’s still a wild move. Inviting a leader of one of America’s top rivals to your swearing-in? Bold. But Trump’s never been one to stick to tradition.

Remember when Trump wanted to ban TikTok? Yeah, about that. Now he’s hinting that the ban might not happen after all. Why? He says TikTok helped him win over young voters—specifically, “I won youth by 34 points.” (For the record, exit polls showed he lost the youth vote to Kamala Harris by 11 points, but let’s not let facts ruin a good soundbite.) Trump also credited podcasters like Joe Rogan for helping him connect with younger voters. The takeaway? He’s “taking a look at it” and might reverse course on banning TikTok.

With Marco Rubio likely heading to the State Department, Trump’s daughter-in-law, Lara Trump, has been floated as his replacement in the Senate. Trump didn’t push the idea too hard, saying the decision rests with Florida Governor Ron DeSantis. But he made it clear that he’s a fan of Lara: “She’s unbelievable.” It’s classic Trump—drop a little intrigue, leave the details for someone else to sort out.

Trump condemned the tragic shooting of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson and criticized social media users who praised the accused shooter. “It was cold blooded,” Trump said. “That’s a sickness, actually.” It’s a rare moment where Trump and pretty much everyone else agree. Senseless violence is awful, and the online cheering for it is just plain twisted.

Trump brought up the 2006 Duke lacrosse case, where three players were falsely accused of rape. The accuser, Crystal Mangum, recently admitted she lied about the whole thing. “They destroyed the lives of these kids,” Trump said. “Their lives were shortened by what took place.” It’s a blast from the past, but for Trump, it’s proof of a bigger issue: people being destroyed by false accusations. And let’s be honest, that’s a theme Trump’s been shouting about for years.

Trump’s news conference was classic Trump—bold, chaotic, and headline-grabbing as hell. He tackled everything from vaccine fears and drones to war, TikTok, and pardons. Love him or hate him, the guy knows how to keep the spotlight exactly where he wants it: on himself. Whether his promises come to fruition or not remains to be seen. But one thing’s for sure—Trump’s back, and the next four years are going to be one wild ride.