Conspiracy theorists just can’t resist a good “the feds are out to get us” story, and cloud seeding is their latest obsession. Apparently, a perfectly harmless (and honestly kind of underwhelming) weather-modification technique is now being painted as some sinister plot to control your brain, make you gay, or whatever new flavor of paranoia is trending this week. It’s all part of their grand narrative that the government is basically a comic book villain with unlimited powers—and also, somehow, totally incompetent.

For those of you who haven’t been sucked into this whirlwind of nonsense, let’s start with the basics. Cloud seeding isn’t some sci-fi mind-control shit; it’s a weather modification technique that’s been around since the 1940s. A plane (or sometimes a ground-based machine) disperses silver iodide crystals into clouds. These particles act as nuclei, encouraging water droplets to clump together and form raindrops. In theory, this process can increase rainfall in areas experiencing drought or boost snowpack in regions that rely on it for water.

Sounds pretty straightforward, right? Well, here’s the kicker: it doesn’t even work that well.

Cloud seeding has always been a bit of a scientific gamble. While it’s true that silver iodide can encourage precipitation under the right conditions, the results are notoriously inconsistent. According to a 2018 report by the National Academy of Sciences, the effectiveness of cloud seeding is "modest at best." In other words, you might spend a bunch of money on silver iodide and fuel for planes, and all you’ll get is a slightly damper Tuesday.

Even when cloud seeding does work, it’s not some magical downpour-maker. You need specific atmospheric conditions, like clouds that already contain enough moisture to rain. Cloud seeding can’t make rain out of thin air, and it sure as shit can’t control the weather on a large scale. This isn’t "The Day After Tomorrow" or some Bond villain’s evil plot; it’s just a niche tool with limited applications.

If cloud seeding is so unimpressive, why are conspiracy theorists frothing at the mouth over it? Simple: it’s visible, it’s mysterious, and it involves planes. Put those three things together, and you’ve got a recipe for unhinged speculation.

The moment a plane releases anything into the air, conspiracy theorists lose their shit. They’ve been screaming about "chemtrails" for years—the idea that contrails (those streaks of vapor you see behind airplanes) are actually some secret government chemical-spraying operation. Cloud seeding, with its literal spraying of silver iodide, is basically tailor-made for these nutjobs. Never mind that silver iodide is non-toxic in the amounts used or that the science behind it is well-documented. In their minds, anything coming out of a plane is automatically a conspiracy.

Conspiracy theorists love to frame everything as part of a grand plan to control the masses. Cloud seeding? Clearly, it’s a plot to manipulate the weather for nefarious purposes. Maybe it’s to ruin crops and control the food supply. Maybe it’s to create floods and drive people out of their homes. Or maybe it’s just another tool in the government’s arsenal to make us all submissive, brainwashed sheep.

And because we’re dealing with conspiracy theorists here, there’s always an extra layer of batshit insanity. Some claim cloud seeding is being used to spread chemicals that turn people gay (seriously, what the fuck?). Others think it’s tied to mind control—because apparently, controlling the weather isn’t evil enough.

Let’s not forget that a lot of these conspiracy theories are pushed by people who stand to profit from them. There’s an entire ecosystem of grifters out there selling books, DVDs, and supplements to help you "protect" yourself from these imaginary threats. Cloud seeding conspiracies are just the latest way to keep their audience hooked and their wallets full.

Let’s take a step back and look at what’s really going on with cloud seeding:

You might be tempted to laugh off these conspiracy theories as harmless nonsense, but they can have real-world consequences. Misinformation about cloud seeding (and weather modification in general) can lead to misplaced anger, fear, and even violence. Remember when people started shooting at 5G towers because they thought they were spreading COVID-19? Yeah, that kind of stupidity.

There’s also the risk of these theories derailing legitimate discussions about climate change and water management. Cloud seeding may not be a silver bullet (pun intended), but it could play a small role in mitigating drought. If conspiracy theorists keep muddying the waters with their bullshit, it’s going to be harder to have serious conversations about how to manage our resources.

Cloud seeding isn’t some shadowy government plot to control the weather or brainwash the population. It’s a modest, imperfect tool that’s been around for decades. The fact that conspiracy theorists have latched onto it says more about their own paranoia than it does about the practice itself. So next time someone tries to tell you that cloud seeding is turning people gay or causing floods on purpose, feel free to roll your eyes and walk the fuck away.