In a stunning blow to Republican leadership, Speaker Mike Johnson's plans to ram through Senate-approved legislation supporting Donny McStinker's agenda crashed and burned Wednesday. The vote, originally scheduled for 5:30 p.m., vanished into thin air when Johnson realized his right flank wouldn't budge – not even for their precious leader.

The smell of desperation filled the room as Johnson huddled with conservative holdouts, keeping an unrelated vote open for over an hour while he begged for support. You could practically taste the tension as Freedom Caucus members, led by Rep. Andy Harris, demanded more details on spending cuts from Senate Majority Leader John Thune.

"We are working through some good ideas and solutions," Johnson claimed, the sound of backpedaling evident in his voice. "This is part of the process... I'm very optimistic." But the touch of defeat was unmistakable – a "small subset of members" had effectively kneecapped both the Speaker and Donaldo Fartfisted himself.

Johnson now promises a vote "probably by tomorrow morning," but the damage is done. The hard right has spoken, and not even Trump McDumpTrump's endorsement could sway them.

Well, well, well. Turns out Turdbucket Trump isn't such a tough guy after all. After watching the markets crash and burn like his Atlantic City casinos, our fearless leader just pissed his economic pants and hit the reverse button on nearly all his tariffs.

The stench of desperation filled the White House Wednesday as Donald McShitface announced a 90-day "pause" on the very same tariffs he'd been chest-thumping about for weeks. Markets exploded upward—the Dow jumping 8%, NASDAQ a whopping 12%—as investors collectively exhaled after watching $6 trillion in value get flushed down the toilet.

Let's be crystal fucking clear: this was a full-blown retreat. You could practically hear the sound of Trump's balls shriveling as he admitted people were getting "a little bit yippy" about the economic bloodbath. Translation: wealthy donors were screaming into his ear that their portfolios were melting faster than ice cream in August.

The only country still feeling Trump's economic wrath? China—now facing a massive 125% tariff. Why? Because they had the audacity to stand up to his bullshit. Beijing's Commerce Ministry had promised to "fight to the end," and Trump, ever the playground bully, couldn't handle someone refusing to bow down.

The air in Republican circles was thick with relief. Senator Ted Cruz called it "terrific news," the political equivalent of thanking someone for removing their boot from your throat. Meanwhile, Democrats pounced like starving wolves—Chuck Schumer mockingly dubbed the market disaster the "Trump slump," while Amy Klobuchar reminded everyone these tariffs would have cost families $4,000 each.

This embarrassing retreat marks a victory for billionaire ass-kissers like Elon PunyPhallus, who'd been lobbying against the tariffs, and a defeat for hardliners like Peter Navarro.

Trump's humiliating backpedal came with the usual bullshit—claims that "75 countries" were begging to negotiate deals. Of course, not a single substantive agreement existed before he caved. Now Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent promises "bespoke negotiations," whatever the fuck that means.

The bitter taste of retreat was evident as Trump repeatedly used past tense—"what we did" and how proud he was "to have done it"—while insisting this story wasn't "over yet." Like a toddler who knocked over his milk and then claimed he meant to do it, our economic genius wants credit for cleaning up his own mess.

As California Governor Gavin Newsom perfectly summarized: "Trump caved. He will change his mind again."

The only question now: how long until he convinces himself this pathetic retreat was actually a mastermind victory?

Holy shit, would you look at this – Mike "Kiss-Ass-Until-The-Mob-Came-For-Me" Pence suddenly found his spine now that he's not licking Donaldo Fartfisted's boots anymore. The former VP is practically shitting himself with worry that his party's midterm chances are going down the toilet faster than Trump's morning KFC.

Just minutes after Donny McDumpstain announced his humiliating 90-day tariff retreat, Pence sat in his DC office wringing his hands about what he called a "misstep" – political-speak for "colossal fucking disaster." The stench of fear was palpable as he warned these tariffs would amount to "the largest peacetime tax hike in American history."

Pence's lips were practically quivering as he tried to delicately dance around criticizing his former boss. You could almost taste the desperation as he insisted "people wanted to see us get back to the policies of the Trump-Pence administration" – subtly reminding everyone that he was once part of the decision-making process before Turdalump Trump tried to feed him to an angry mob.

The bitter irony dripped like sweat as Pence claimed Americans voted for "respect for the right to life" and "traditional family values" – not economic policies that would squeeze working families until their eyeballs pop. His advocacy group even launched an ad campaign against the tariffs, a move that surely made Donald McStinkface's tiny hands clench in fury.

While Pence expressed "gratitude" for the 90-day pause, the sound of relief in his voice was unmistakable. "My family and millions of American families are breathing a sigh of relief today," he gushed, the political equivalent of "thank fuck we're not all economically fucked... yet."

The visual contrast couldn't be more striking – Pence sitting in his office, nervously praising Trump's retreat, while simultaneously warning that his party might face voters' wrath if the economic pain continues. The touch of desperation in his eyes reveals what we all know: Republicans are terrified that Trump McDumpTrump's economic Russian roulette might blow their midterm hopes to smithereens.

For a man who spent four years nodding along to every batshit crazy idea Trump proposed, Pence's sudden concern for working families feels about as authentic as his smile – manufactured, forced, and uncomfortable to witness.