It happened on what Donaldo Shitsburger proudly dubbed "Liberation Day" – a day that will live in economic infamy. Standing before a giant board that could barely withstand the wind (much like his hairpiece), the president unveiled his grand plan to impose "reciprocal tariffs" on nearly every damn country on Earth. The word "tariff," he gushed, is "the most beautiful word in the entire dictionary." Beautiful for whom? Certainly not for the millions of Americans about to get bent over by higher prices on practically everything they buy.

The stench of bullshit was immediate and overwhelming. That giant board, flapping in the wind like a sail made of lies, contained a list of countries and what The Donald of Dumpster claimed were the "tariffs charged to the USA" by these nations. But something smelled rotten. The numbers were too neat, too convenient, too perfectly aligned with his victimhood narrative.

Let's cut through the crap. What this administration presented as sophisticated economic analysis is actually mathematical masturbation so crude it would make a fifth-grade math teacher blush with second-hand embarrassment.

Here's what they actually did, and I shit you not: They took the US trade deficit with each country, divided it by total US imports from that country, and—BOOM!—called that percentage a "tariff." That's it. That's the fucking "genius" calculation that's about to reshape the global economy.

Take China. The US had a trade deficit with them last year of $295.4 billion. Divide that by the $438.9 billion in total US imports from China, and you get 67.3%. And wouldn't you know it, that's exactly the "tariff" that appears on Turdbucket Trump's giant chart of bullshit.

The taste of deceit is bitter on the tongue. The smell of manipulation hangs in the air like a fart in an elevator. This isn't economic policy—it's economic fantasy fiction written by someone who doesn't understand basic math, let alone international trade.

When called out on this crude calculation, the White House scrambled to release what looked like a more complex formula. It was adorned with Greek symbols and fractions—the economic equivalent of putting lipstick on a pig. But strip away the academic cosplay, and you're left with the same simplistic division problem.

Their formula includes fancy terms for "how sensitive customers are to higher prices" and "how likely prices are to increase," which they set at 4 and 0.25 respectively. Multiply them together, and they effectively cancel each other out to equal 1. For those who skipped math class: multiplying anything by 1 does nothing. It's mathematical theater, designed to disguise a crude calculation with the trappings of sophistication.

The cold, hard truth feels like sandpaper against your skin: They're not measuring other countries' tariffs. They're not measuring non-tariff barriers. They're sure as hell not measuring currency manipulation. They're just taking the trade deficit as an automatic reflection of those things.

The absurdity reaches its peak when you look at countries like Vietnam and Cambodia, which according to Donny Felonious’s magical math, supposedly have tariff rates of 90% and 97% on US exports. Anyone with a functioning brain stem and the most basic knowledge of international trade would know this is complete horseshit.

But reality doesn't matter in this new world of "alternative facts." What matters is creating a narrative where America is the victim, where other countries are "cheating," and where only Donald McNutsack with his magic tariff wand can save us all.

The cruelest joke in this whole fucked-up situation is that these "reciprocal tariffs" aren't even remotely reciprocal. They're based on fiction, not fact. The sound of trillions of dollars in stock market value being flushed down the toilet rings in our ears as companies scramble to figure out what this means for their supply chains.

The pressure builds in your chest as you realize what's happening: We're entering a trade war based on numbers pulled out of Donald McDumpTrump's ass.

And here's the kicker that makes your blood boil: 115 countries on that list have a 10% tariff rate assigned to them. Every single one of those countries buys more from the US than they sell to us, giving the US a trade surplus. By Trump's own distorted logic, these are countries that the US is "ripping off."

So what does he do? He punishes them anyway with a 10% tariff on their goods. The logic is so twisted it makes your brain hurt. The hypocrisy so thick you could spread it on toast.

The weight of this economic malpractice will fall most heavily on American consumers. When you're standing in Target next month, staring at price tags that have jumped 20%, remember that this isn't because of some unfair advantage other countries had. It's because Donny McFartsalot decided to wage economic warfare based on a mathematical formula that wouldn't pass muster in a high school economics class.

You'll feel it in your wallet. You'll taste it in the cheaper food you have to buy because the good stuff costs too much now. You'll smell it in the stench of economic anxiety that permeates communities reliant on imported goods or export markets.

What's the endgame here? To bully countries into buying more American products? To force manufacturing back to the US? Neither will happen. Instead, we'll see retaliatory tariffs, disrupted supply chains, higher prices, and economic pain that will ripple through the economy like a stone thrown into a pond.

All of this because Donald Dumpstump either doesn't understand basic economics or doesn't care about the consequences of his actions. Or both.

So here we are, a global economic superpower whose trade policy is now determined by division problems a child could solve. A nation whose economic future is being gambled on calculations so simplistic they would be laughed out of any undergraduate economics class.

The sound of your future prosperity being flushed away is deafening. The sight of reasoned policy being replaced by simplistic formulas is blinding. The feeling of economic security slipping through your fingers is terrifying.

And for what? So Turdburg Trump can stand in front of a chart, point to some made-up numbers, and claim he's fighting for America? So he can use the word "tariff"—the most beautiful word in his limited vocabulary—a few more times before we all realize we've been conned?

This isn't economic policy. It's economic vandalism. And we're all about to pay the price.